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Abfest 2010: True Blood Flexes Its Muscle

July 12, 2010

you see 'em.

After a ridiculously long two week break, True Blood was back last night and they packed enough of their trademark campy-yet-emotionally-draining drama into the hour that even the thirstiest viewer left sated. We picked up immediately after that disgusting final sex scene in the last episode – in which Bill had ridiculously rough sex with Lorena, while spinning her head around 180 degrees so he didn’t have to look at her in the face while doing it. Bill calls Sookie to tell her that “I’ve left my life in Bon Temps and I am leaving you.” Sookie’s response (which required a couple of rewinds and wild laughs) was priceless: “Shut the fuck up,” said as only Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse could.

This call came in while Sookie was dressing Alcide’s wounds from his fight at the werebar. He was shirtless. Viewers were mesmerized. And of course I added Joe Manganiello to my Facebook friends this morning. Forget Bill, baby. Did you see those abs? Couple that with his body being “so warm,” according to Sookie, the girl who sleeps with dead men. Yeah… a hot-blooded man (apparently werewolves run hot – literally and figuratively) is just what Sookie needs.

Well, not according to Eric. We get our almost-weekly sexual dream sequence this time from the Viking himself, as he imagines himself floating outside Sookie’s (very expensive-looking) hotel room – where does this girl get her money? Sookie opens the window and the banter begins:

Sookie: Do all vampires fly?
Eric: Do all humans sing?
Sookie: Are you kiddin’? I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket with a lid on it.

I kinda love that even in Eric’s dreams, Sookie is so true to character. Then, however, she invites him in, says that she’s been searching for the wrong person, throws him on the bed, takes off her robe (revealing the female version of Alcide’s abs – work, Anna P.) and starts to devour him – only to turn into the stripper from Fangtasia that Eric and Pam have both had sex with at this point.

Paquin showing her abs.

Bill begins working with Russell, telling him Sophie-Ann and Eric are selling V. He then makes a deal with Russell that if he helps him achieve his goals that Russell, in turn, takes Lorena out of the picture – forever. I almost thought she was a goner when they pulled up to the strip club and Bill went to “procure” dinner for Russell and Lorena. Russell, too, stepped out of the limo – more on that in a second – and I was just waiting for Russell’s promise to come true. I thought that limo was a goner. Didn’t happen.

Where did Russell go? Down the strip to the werebar, where Alcide’s ex, who looks like Tiffany “I Think We’re Alone Now” WhateverHerLastNameWas, is celebrating her impending wedding to Coot (just realized this is Vanessa Williams’ man from the dearly departed Ugly Betty). She’s also celebrating her initiation into his pack, with a crowd surf to the stage, where she is branded and almost fucked by a werewolf. Yes, Coot jumps onstage, starts howling like crazy, strips (showing yet another set of amazing abs – do they have a Bowflex on this set of what?), and transitions into a wolf. He starts licking the Tiffany lookalike and I thought for a second that we were about to experience our first televised beastiality sex scene. Didn’t happen. Instead, everyone in the room started turning into wolves, glasses dropping to the floor, heads spinning, Sookie, losing it… Alcide yelled at her to run. We didn’t see what happened next.

In other news:

yeah, his character is dead, but... we're showing abs and... look...

Tara continues her streak as the unluckiest girl in Bon Temps. After being a zombie in love, she starts losing her mind, tries to commit suicide, has drunken sex with a vampire, gets glammed by said vampire, then gets bitten and tied up on the toilet. Then she’s given flowers (conveniently duct taped to her hands, lest she lose them) and taken to Mississippi to Russell’s mansion, where Talbot asks, “is this for me? It’s skinny.” Poor Tara. Looks like it’s about to get worse – I saw her in an ugly wedding dress in the previews.

hell, might as well...

And then there’s Eric. Remember the drug dealers Jason busted last week? Well, since Sheriff Bud was retiring, it looks like no one went to flush out the rest of the crew. They were thriving at the same house we saw them in two weeks ago, but this time Lafayette was trying to sell them the V that Eric told him to unload. They wanted Lafayette’s new ride. A fight ensued. Since Lafayette had drunk Eric’s blood, he knew some shit was going down and came swooping in, grabbing one of the men by the throat. “Get your fuckin hands off me, dead man,” the redneck drug dealer squealed. Eric said that he thought he’d kill the guy’s “brother-cousins” first. Love the snobbery peppered throughout Eric’s lines. Then, as they left, he called to Lafayette: “Come on RuPaul.” I love the way Eric flirts with Lafayette (remember when ha gave him the car and referred to him as a similar term of endearment…) so innocently, yet ever-so-slightly managing the temperamental diva.

But Eric had to fly (again, literally) in the middle of his conversation with Lafayette when he received a desperate call from Pam, telling him the magister was ransacking the bar, looking for V. He finds it, strings Pam up and threatens to put a stake through her heart if Eric doesn’t find whoever is selling the V (they lie and say it’s Bill). Pam is clearly not only a fan favorite; Eric looks stricken at the possibility, with blood tearing up in his eyes at the concept of his girl meeting such a fate. So many reasons to love this guy.

And… in boring subplot news:

Arlene’s still pregnant and hiding it for some inexplicable reason, but that doesn’t stop her from bitching about… everything.

no abs, but you get the picture

Sam’s family – who provide nothing better than sound bites – are still there and clearly are up to no good. Come on with this storyline before I fall asleep and miss something good.

And… some quotes I didn’t work into my story…

Alcide: No matter how well you think you might know somebody, they can turn right around and kick you in the nutsac.
Sookie: I don’t have a nutsac.

Lafayette, to Eric: Bossman have you seen this face? It ain’t nothin’ but art.”

“Sometimes I think that boy’s cheese done slid right off his cracker.” – Sam’s mom

“Oh that boy. He makes my ass itch.” – Sam’s dad

“Well I guess the only way to get a promotion in this town is to drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals and kill a black man.” Deputy Kenya Jones

See you next week…


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